And why you might be screwing it up.
Forget young love. It’s sweet and looks like crushed cherry blossoms on a greeting card. Fresh off-the-bat-romance. Brimming with yet-to-mature emotions and still-developing … well, everything really.
Who really knows what they’re doing in the realm of love when they’re 21?
I remember those stormy and confusing-AF days, and I am glad they are behind me.
I can’t tell you how many times I had packed my bag, ready to head to off to god-knows-where during the early years of my first marriage. Granted, he was an extremely volatile human being who completely did my head in; but we were young and still learning about ourselves. Not to mention trying to figure out how to be in a “grown-up” relationship.
I’m older now. Like most women my age — i.e. in their 40’s, I have experienced my fair share of stormy love and heartache. Those experiences have penetrated into my psyche and imprinted my soul to form the woman I am today. A woman who has learned about herself, survived turmoil and great pain to finally emerge into a state of self-awareness.
I’ve learned a lot from past relationships. I wouldn’t trade any of those loves for the world.
Every woman in her 40’s is hoping — no, praying that you, dear male, have evolved from your past loves, too.
It’s insane how much back-ground knowledge, insight and wisdom we gain through our relationships. Those experiences really do enrich the inner-layers to form the adults we become.
A friend was recently telling me that for those couples who meet early in life and stay together are more likely to stagnate when it comes to relating to and understanding the opposite sex to some degree. More around learned behaviors and emotional intelligence.
Whether there’s truth to that theory, is not for me to say. It is an interesting and quite possible valid observation, though. I can see how personal-growth may suffer when slipping into states of complacency in long-term relationships that begin during early adulthood.
Not all relationships grow with us as we mature and move through life.
Our hearts actually develop and open to love more deeply through the exposure of different relationships as each union is unique and offers us diverse and vital life-lessons.
Think about this:
A woman in her 40’s who has experienced diversity in relationships knows how she wants to love her man.
She knows how to handle him and she knows how she wants to make him feel; and she wants to do all of this minus the drama.
Honestly, when one of these women decides to give her heart to a man, it’s like the Holy Crucible equivalent of love. That might sound like a bold statement. I’m standing by it one-hundred percent.
I’ve experienced significant past relationships; I’ve loved with my whole heart.
My heart is different now.
I have loved and lost; my heart has bloomed and blossomed. I’ve bled, cleansed; re-birthed. Most importantly, my heart has transformed into the ability to give and receive higher states of love.
It is the women who have learned from the past who are ready for a connection that encompasses EVERY possible element existing in a relationship.
Intellectually. Emotionally. Psychologically. Sexually. Soulfully.
I’m talking one badass, soul-satisfying quality relationship.
A quality woman knows where she wants to focus her energy. She has reached a point in her life where ordinary relationships no longer cut it or satisfy her insatiable need to connect authentically.
She wants more.
She wants something beautiful to live for; and she wants to love her man like this:
She wants to sink into your mind and dance with your soul. She wants to laugh and play with you; explore your thoughts; challenge your ideas and tease out your vulnerabilities. She wants to be your strength; your soft and safe place when you need her. She wants to learn and speak your secret love language. She wants to give you her heart and open herself wholly to you. She wants to feel you; make love until the fusion becomes complete in beautiful and meaningful ways. She wants know you — but she also realizes the necessity for breathing space for the both of you; she cherishes her alone time. But she loves to want to share time with you; as your friend and companion as you explore life together. She wants you; and she will make you the center of her universe.
Does this sound ordinary? A little unrealistic, perhaps?
It doesn’t have to be.
There is a reason why men have written about a woman’s love throughout the ages. Stories. Poems. Songs. Men who have tasted, worshiped and cursed the love of a woman. Men who know its worth and cannot resist it.
So, where does it all go wrong?
It could be one or more of these three relationship-killer attributes:
1. She’s not your mother.
Look, we’ve all heard about the man who wants to curl up in a fetal position, lay his head in his lady’s lap while she soothingly strokes his hair and whispers in his ear. Similar to the way she might comfort her child.
Uhm … no. Just no.
This might be the equivalent of a woman swaddling a strap-on and demanding you get on all fours so she can release her pent-up masculine energy and feel all-powerful.
See where I’m going here? You cringed, right?
We do understand a man’s yearning to be nurtured. We won’t withhold that from you entirely. But please get your shit together — we don’t want to feel like your mother. At all.
Psychology Today: “For many married men, the wife may start to become a mother figure. She may encourage less play (hanging out with friends, heavy drinking) and behave in a more grown-up fashion. Here is the male take on this sea change: “Before we got married, she had fun, too. She and I would go to a club together, she would drink and we would dance. Now she wants no part of it. This mothering behavior often becomes even more pronounced when children enter the relationship.”
The article goes on to say that “both men and women need to understand that these learned roles are negatively impacting their relationships.”
Other behavior aspects that may be helping to screw up relationships between men and women are simple really:
Selfishness. Complacency. Entitlement Syndrome =
2. Emotional Immaturity.
I’m not pointing fingers. I’m not saying that every woman actually wants or even has the capacity to love in the above-mentioned ways, either.
A woman can be just as obsolete as her counterpart when it comes to the realm of love and relationships.
What I am saying, is that if we want a quality, grown-up relationship that supersedes the “ordinary”, then we must reject old behavior patterns and inject the quality ones to build something beautiful together.
Emotional maturity means managing your feelings:
Door slamming. The silent treatment. Unthoughtful language. Blaming. Keeping score. Being unempathetic. Carelessness. Inflexibility and resentfulness. Fighting unfairly.
Are all signs of emotional immaturity and won’t foster an authentic connection with a woman.
It’s all about mindfulness and being self-aware.
Let’s get real — a healthy relationship won’t thrive, grow or strengthen under these contrary and negative behavioral patterns.
No matter who is doing the door slamming.
3. Sex isn’t your right.
This may come as a shock to some men: She might be your woman, but her body is her own and her sex isn’t your given right.
Most of us do not withhold sex as punishment or use sex as some kind management device for inciting compliance with our desires. Acting as if she is deliberately restricting you from her thighs will actually do very little to help the cause. This is when sex becomes a chore.
You don’t want that. Trust me.
Want to hear the truth?
If she isn’t giving out, it’s probably because:
a. She’s too damned tired. Most of us are working long hours and organizing a household. At the end of the day, sex is often the last thing on our minds.
b. Hormones. They play havoc on a woman. Total killjoy. Cut her some slack and practice empathy.
c. You may just be in the habit of behaving in some of the ways stated in the “emotional immaturity” section. No woman wants to make love to a man who still acts like a child or who thinks he is entitled. At least, not for long.
The truth is, women want their men to see them as sexual beings just as much as men want their women to find them desirable. While sex is important in keeping the romantic flames burning and the connection real, the reality is that for many women, so many other factors come into play when it comes to the bedroom department.
At the end of the day, women don’t need their men to prove how macho and manly they are. They don’t need a man-child, either. They just need men who are willing to meet them halfway and who take the time to understand them, treat them fairly and equitably — and that is all is takes to transform an ordinary relationship into something much more fulfilling and meaningful.
Something beautiful to live for.
That’s all it takes if you want to penetrate your woman fully. It will be in this moment that she will open herself to love you the way she really wants to love you; and that’s a love worth striving for.
This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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The post How She Really Wants to Love You appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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