The Single Dad’s Guide To Fake News: Volume 36
Welcome to Friday Funnies where everything is all Coronavirus all the time. How can it be Friday Funnies, you say? When everything is serious all the time, how can one be expected to laugh? And seriously. How can anyone tell if you are laughing behind that face mask you have to wear all the time? Darth Vader never smiled. Right? Well, all that has to change now before we all end up with permanent frowns on our faces. Although if I make you laugh you may not be able to complete your frown workout regimen. After all, frowns require you to use so many muscles and I might be spoiling that for you. But I say spoil away as we reach into the grab bag of ridiculous headlines to bring you The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 36.
It’s time once again for the compendium of the ridiculously sublime. It’s the wide world of fake news. And what is fake news, you ask after me trying to explain it for the 36th time? After all, so many people claim that fake news is simply what other people you disagree with say. That’s going to make for a lot of fake news out there. It would overwhelm me like a baseball stadium in the age of Coronavirus. So let’s not think of Fake News like that. Or at least, I’m not going to think of it like this for my purposes here.
Instead, I look at Fake News like an art form. It’s a beautiful combination of the uniquely truthful with the sublimely ridiculous. It’s pairing all of the great stories of the day, as told by those articles listed in Google Trends, and spinning them like a top so you won’t quite recognize them anymore. And feel a little bit dizzy yourself as well. It’s that dizzy ridiculousness which is the difference between fake news and political posturing. And haven’t we had enough of that for a lifetime lately? I think we have.
So it’s with that in mind we come back to the monthly madness crazies. The stories that only can be told by the mind of this crazy person writing from the bowels of his house where he is shuttered in from the world. All he wants to do is make more sense of it. Or burn it down. Something like that. But you gotta do it all laughing or you would start to cry. So let’s stop crying. Because as Tom Hanks said in A League of Their Own: “There’s no crying in baseball!” Well. Not unless you get hit in the groin by a pitch. But that’s something else altogether. And so with us, there’s not crying, unless you shoot milk out your nose at any of the stories here. I understand. So with that, welcome back to the Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 36.
The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News: Volume 36
***Intended Only For Satirical Purposes***
Rarely in the annals of the history of the universe does someone want to take responsibility for their own actions. We can think of Stalin, Hitler, and Napoleon. Each of them with their own brand of crazy. But I’m guessing if you sat all of them down in an easy chair with a hot cup of cocoa, they would all admit: it wasn’t their fault. Ok, maybe admit is a strange word here. Let’s go with the term “blame someone else.” After all, they could never be crazy enough to slaughter millions of people on a whim. Right?
So when DaBaby released his latest ode to the crazies and let us all know we should blame it on Da Baby, we admire him for his brass man parts. It takes a lot of internal fortitude to admit that one is responsible for the death of millions of people. I know you might consider going out and tarring and feathering the man after realizing he is at fault. But I think we should all stand up and cheer him. Because what would the world be if we didn’t have someone to blame for all of our problems. And if Hitler isn’t around to do it, I am thankful for Da Baby. Good on you DaBaby. We appreciate your candor. Now clean all this crap up. Because it is all your fault after all.
Who knew live Concerts would look like this in the future? I mean, it’s gotta be wild to go to a live show and not have a third of the audience smell like they have been at a Bob Marley Concertgoer for the last thirty years and just came from his dead alive tour. (Bob Marley is dead, right? Right.) So in that vein, Disney has decided to remove the concert from the concert. Leaving . . . well . . .
Whatever it left, it was a fun television event with a bunch of great guest appearances via their social media platforms. I do have to say I loved the rendition of Gaston by Josh Gad and Luke Evans. Quite the impressive version of the song written by the masterful Alan Menken. (May Howard Ashman rest in peace.) And I’m told that Donny Osmond was pretty amazing as well. Darn those Huns!!! Whatever you thought, it’s a whole new level of the concert-going experience. And now you can feel it in the privacy of your own home without the 100,000 sweaty bodies all around you. Why is it that I still miss the live version though? *tear*
Well if Disney robbing us of our live concerts wasn’t good news enough for you, then you gotta take a look at this next bit of Good News! Because nothing says good news like a prom done all from the comfort of your own home. Hey! At least the teachers don’t have to worry about being chaperones and enforcing social distancing on the dance floor. And dad’s across America are breathing a large sigh of relief about not having to show up to the prom after-party with a shotgun. So there is that.
And while I can make jokes at the expense of the idea of an online prom, I have to admit deep down inside . . . I loved it. (Shutup! I’m not crying because I never went to my own prom! It’s because it’s beautiful!). Whatever you think of YouTube Dance parties, you have to love how John Krasinski of the Office and Jack Ryan fame has done as much as he can during this time to turn all our frowns upside-down.
Bringing in Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, his own better half, or Lin Manuel Miranda to an unsuspecting grade school girl who is missing her big opportunity to see Hamilton on Broadway, you have to love the good he is putting out into the world. (Even if I’m totally jealous he got that girl tickets to Hamilton on Broadway when my daughter lost out on her opportunity to see Hamilton at the Pantages out here in L.A.)
But enough of my bad mojo. This guy (and his better half Emily Blunt of Mary Poppins Fame) have gone out of their way to spread joy and laughter to people from across the planet. You should have seen what he did for some of the frontline staff at a hospital for people in Boston. And as much as I have to criticize him for being a Boston fan (because . . . WHY?!?!)
I do have to love the effort he put out into the world to make those people feel wanted and loved. Just knowing a friend who had someone run away from her simply because of fear that she was wearing scrubs, it’s good to know we can show love to the people who are doing the most to take care of us during this critical time. So good on you Hospital people. And Good on you, John Krasinski. You inspire us all to see a little more good in the world. And that’s no joke.
In a world of “the crazies”, why not take it out a little further? Admit it. You all love living in your house in your pajamas 24/7, where your trip to the shower and a visit to your toothbrush have become irregular occurrences. And your work clothes and you are not on good speaking terms. PJs have become a regular part of your working ensemble (unless you are John Krasinski and tutus have become your thing). So why not take your workwear a little further. Take it outside for the whole world to see.
It appears that Brian May of Queen has done just that. Out on his rooftop wearing a bathrobe he has taken on the world. While he may not have “killed a man.” He might truly be able to say: “nothing really matters.” Because what does matter when you are trapped inside all day? Aside from his ability to play on his rooftop in a bathrobe. Is it crazy? Is it inspired genius? Who can say? What we can tell you is we look forward to the elegantly dressed may serenade us from the rooftops with his beautiful guitar playing far into the future.
While we have taken our time looking at those who bring light and positivity to our world, even if only in a bathrobe, we have to say we are highly disappointed in one person. Because it appears the man-boy who starred in the High School Musical of our youth actually didn’t believe he was all in this together. All I can say is: “ZAC EFRON WHERE ARE THOU?”
Maybe I’ve gone a little overboard and gotten a little King James Biblical with the aforementioned Mr. Efron. But why in the world would you not give a little reprise to all those wanting to know you are all in it with us during this challenging time. We don’t need bathroom videos of you in flowers. And we don’t need complaints from million-dollar mansions about not being able to go outside and be seen.
But we do like knowing you feel our pain and are in it with us. So part of me is hoping he’s been kidnapped and someone is holding him hostage for ransom. And part of me thinks hoping for that is crazy. But then I just think of other bad things. I just wanna put it out there, even if Zac Efron isn’t with you, we at the Guide are here with you through it all. Even your Pajama wearing selves.
6) Sam And Demi Mourn Romance During The Coronapocalypse. We At Fake News Central Recommend They Review Our Dating Guide.
While some people are holed up in their bunkers during this Coronapocalypse, still others are crazy enough to go out there and find love. And while we think that love in the time of social distancing might come with its challenges, who are we to argue with the call of the wild. Ok, maybe not dogs and wolfs loving each other. Real human beings. And in this time of craziness, two people have decided to duet their love . . . for people who are not each other.
Yes, that’s right, it’s the new Sam and Demi song out there to spread their love and joy for not each other. Because… well Sam is gay. Or gender nonbinary. Something. But definitely not in love with Demi. And who has Demi fallen for? Not a clue. But we wish them both well. If they are dating someone now though, we recommend our ten rules for dating during the Coronapocalypse. Number 9 is super important.
And in another story of the sublimely ridiculous, John Stamos wishes for large ears and to fly using only a feather. While we are sorry we cannot make Mr. Stamos’s wish come true, we do say we have to thank him for making our day a little brighter. Because the visual of John Stamos trying to fly using only his ears gets me laughing every time.
And while not singing the song from Dumbo, he and family did get to sing It’s a Small World in a Dumbo cart from the Dumbo flying ride at Disneyland. So I suppose he did get to fly . . . if only in his imagination. While I’m not jealous of many things, the Disney nerd in me is certainly jealous of his Dumbo cart. Now, where can I get me one of those???
In any other universe, Apple. Inc. would be the apple of any stock investors’ eye. Strong company. Good record of innovation and technological advances. They would be a good bet for anyone’s portfolio. Why shouldn’t anything cause it to crash?
Three Words. Facial Recognition Technology. Yup. That’s right. Apple’s been killed by creating software to make its iPhone open up to people’s faces. And normally this would all make sense. Having something which would recognize your face would be great for making sure you protected your phone. Normally. But when we all go out wearing Darth Vader masks the phone does have a slight problem catching on. Which means people are desperately shedding their masks to get their phones open. And in a world of social distancing, this has created some havoc. Coronavirus claims itself another victim. Alas, Apple Inc., we knew thee well.
While Apple’s bid to take over the world has been temporarily halted, we have other things going on in the universe which have come to tragic conclusions. Well at least temporarily. And one of those we mist the most comes in the form of movie theaters with giant screens and full recliners. (I miss those soooooo much!) Movie studios have had to scramble desperately to find a place to put all of their movies. And anything which would be produced in the future got put on temporary hiatus.
So what in the world was Disney to do when they had too many major upcoming releases and not enough space to put them in? Well, what’s the movie theater’s loss is Disney+’s gain. Artemis Fowl will be finding a Disney streaming service near you coming up. The new film directed by the master of Shakespeare and Agatha Christie brings us the tale of the boy spy with all the gadgets. Whether it would have compared to what we would have seen on the big screen, one can only guess. But it may be big enough to excuse you buying that 70 inch TV with your stimulus check. If you still have your job that is.
So when it comes to things you are missing out on Bud’s got you covered. Missing out on the movies? Bud’s got you covered. Missing out on your college graduation? Bud’s got you covered. Missing out on your 20th wedding anniversary? Fear not. Bud’s got you covered. Because as always . . . this Bud’s for you.
But Budweiser has taken things one step further in these dark and trying times. If you are missing out on your greatest adventure (your wedding), they will actually make sure that you are good and properly drunk for the rest of the year. Because you will want to be. Budweiser is giving all couples who have had to give up their nuptials during this trying time free beer for an entire year. Just think. Your future spouse (or maybe former future spouse because COVID-19 claimed another victim) sitting on a couch, wearing nothing but boxers and a t-shirt throwing back a Bud or two as his tears mingle with the beer. That’s one hell of a beautiful thought right? We thought so.
Thank you But for all that you do for us. And thank you for bringing back the Clydesdale because it’s a pretty amazing animal. But, most of all, thank you for your beer during this dark and trying time. Because the world would not ever be the same without it. Maybe better. Maybe worse. Who knows? But never the same.
Wrapping Up The Single Dad’s Guide to Fake News Volume 36
It’s been a trying time out there. Even for our monthly fake news extravaganza. Honestly, for a month or more it didn’t feel right to try to put this level of silliness into a post. I admit we all needed a laugh. But when all the news was about the virus all the time, what kinds of virus jokes was I going to be telling??? I ask you. Really.
But finally, I feel like things have calmed down to a certain degree. And not every news story is about the virus. Even if 90 percent of them are. At least I have 10 percent to work with. And sometimes 10 percent is enough. And hopefully, next month will look like 20 percent. Then the following 30 percent. And before long, this weird nightmare will be over.
Just keep hanging in there all of you. You are beautiful people and we will make it through this. Be kind to one another. We all fear something in this. Our fears may not be the same fears. But we all fear something. And in that, we know we have a common bond of humanity. Even if we don’t all agree on what we need to be doing. I love all of you. And if you have any stories that you found funny, or you think I could make funny, please share them here with me. They will definitely find it on to the next Single Dad’s Guide to Life.
So what was your favorite fake news story this month? What have you been doing to spread some positivity into the world? And what is one beautiful thing you saw out there?
If you liked this fake news post, I’m sure you will like some of the other ones I have done. So check them out. And then leave us a like click and a note in the comments as we love hearing from you. Then share with some friends who need a good laugh. Finally, follow us here to get the latest comedy, parenting, food, family, and lifestyle blogs. It’s been an honor to write for you. And if I made you laugh, even a little, thank you.
Until next time, have fun in those bunkers.
David Elliott, The Single Dad’s Guide to Life